A Charlie Story

I was looking at the labels on my blog the other day, and I see that there is a huge disparity in how much I talk about my furry buddies. I talk about Maya much more than Charlie, and I can't really help it. Maya is newer, she's different, and she has challenges and miniature victories that are worth celebrating. For a little girl who was just a shell of a dog a few months ago, it's nice that she comes when called at the park. It's a big deal. See? There I go again.

Anyway, Charlie is not like Maya at all. Charlie has never had a hard day in his life. Anything bad that's ever happened to him has been the result of his own doing- getting left out on the porch for a few hours, falling off said porch whilst squirrel hunting, etc. From the time he was about 8 weeks old (when I got him from the shelter), he has had a little Charlie Chaplin moustache and a sense of entitlement and total bad assery like- well, like most cats. Except for the moustache thing and let me tell ya, major selling point.

So I want to tell you about something he did when he was little. Even though he will soon be six, this story still makes me laugh till my sides ache.

When Charlie was a kitten, he was brought into a home that I shared with my roommate and her cat. My roommate hated regular kitty litter, and most notably the Kitty Litter Smell. I am not fond of it, but hey, if that's what keeps the cats from pissing elsewhere- let's do what they want. That's how they get their way you know- humans fear cat pee so much, in such a deep-rooted, almost instinctual way that cats lord their pee over us and get us to bend to their will. Anyway, the gal I lived with tried out this new fangled litter (it was at the time)- that Feline Pine stuff. It's awful little pellets that turn to dust when they get wet. It didn't smell bad, but Charlie hated it.

That's what they do you know; they just hate things for no real reason other than they can, and they know that you will give them something they DO like lest they leave their pissy vengeance somewhere.

So, one weekend I go out of town. At this time Charlie was still quite small, and he was left in the care of said roommate and her cat. Well, she took this opportunity during Charlie's Human Advocate and Buyer of Stuff He Likes' absence to once again get him to use Feline Pine. And it worked great!

So she thought.

I was amazed to come home and find that he actually caved in- this high and mighty, fearless, bossy, rotten little creature gave in and used the Feline Pine! Joy! Well, no not at all. See, I had left a pile of Dry Clean Only Clothes on the floor while I was gone, and Charlie used those as his litter box for three days. She didn't know that. I reminded him of that when I found out- I was furious. Beyond furious. That pile had my Graduation Dress in it, my Work Pants, and my Big Girl Suit in it, among other stuff. I was a new college graduate (read: dirt fucking poor) and every article of clothing that was for the purpose of showing the world that I was now a Professional reeked of cat piss.

That cat was dead fucking meat. I could have killed him. I really, really, really wanted to. But I am glad I didn't, in retrospect.

Now we get to the good part. See, in case you didn't know, kitties are plotty little things. They wait for their prey, the pounce, they stalk, and most importantly- they get even.

I returned home to the pile of pee clothes on a Sunday. On Monday morning, my roommate stuck her head into my room on her way to work to tell me what a weirdo my cat is. Apparently she had her big hooded parka on in the bathroom, and Charlie insisted on climbing into the hood. Isn't that cute but strange?

Heh.

Well about two hours into my work day i get an email from my roommate in which she threatens to sell him to a restaurant. It turns out that on the way to work, she was very cold and had her hood up. She was still cold at work and kept the hood on for a while. Then she noticed a Bad Smell following her everywhere. Then, while taking her hood off, she noticed it was damp. She gave it a sniff, and I bet I don't have to tell you what had happened, do I?

Little baby kitten Charlie had gotten even. He pissed in the hood of her coat while she was wearing it, and probably giggled like a mad man when she put the hood on her head and went out for the day.

He's my hero.